With Empathy

I was recently asked by a friend, "Why should I have empathy?" I immediately looked it up, because although I aim to live my life thoughtfully,  I wanted to be sure I was clear on the definition before answering too quickly.

EMPATHY: The ability to understand and share the feelings of another.  Relating to their feelings from their frame of reference, as if walking in their shoes.

Specifically, the conversation with my friend was with respect to her being empathetic towards her significant other.  I shared my perspective with her:  Empathy is the foundation of any healthy relationship, love and care simply isn't enough.  We must pull ourselves out of the equation to help ourselves understand what the other person is feeling from their own personal life experience. 

We all think and feel based on our life long frame of reference.  We all react and absorb life differently based on our upbringing and our internal navigation system.  We each think differently and understand life from many perspectives.  It began from when we were born and continues until we die.

I have learned, it is easy to take for granted, simply falling in love with someone or giving birth to them,  does not allow us to instantly know their human spirit.  Love will not automatically allow us access to a person's heart's desires.  Regardless of how close we are to another human being emotionally, we are all delicately woven with slight differences. However, when we love another with empathy, we are truly loving them with all our heart, allowing their own heart to be full. 

I often self monitor when I give advice, guiding a loved one or sharing my personal point of view; am I being respectful in understanding that the person I care about is in a different place?  How do I allow them to find their own way without sharing only my perspective?  It can not be about control, or enabling behaviors, it is more about letting go of an outcome, with no self benefit with regard to what I may or may not share.   

We cannot force someone else to be,  say or do what we feel is best.  We may share our view, and still allow them to live a path of their choice.  Our life partners, children and friends will love us regardless if we agree or disagree with their choices,  but it is out of empathic love that we can support them and remind them how much we care for them. 

Empathy is a powerful tool of love.  One we tend to forget when our love overshadows the benefits.  It can feel hard to embrace,  but once mastered, it is a gift to those we choose to love, and with ease we can allow it into all aspects of our lives.

With or Without Anxiety

Anxiety:  a feeling of worry, nervousness, or unease, typically about an imminent event or something with an uncertain outcome.

A pit in your stomach – your mind spinning with doubt – An unsafe sensation

I have been told that anxiety runs in my family, but I personally think everyone experiences anxiety in one form or another at different times in their lives.

I believe this because I have observed others and I see the knowing looks in people's eyes; they will nod in agreement, with utter understanding, as I share a story about an anxious moment.

I believe,  no one person is immune to the unpredictable, unexplained feelings of doubt, fear and uncertain intuition.

I can recall a time, as a little girl, when I was sick from school, for an entire week.  I had incredible anxiety about going back to school, so much anxiety that I begged and pleaded each day to stay home.  I ultimately did not go back to school for an entire second week.  My inner core could not imagine falling back into an unfamiliar routine.  I had these unshakable feelings of dread.  It was a horrible scared emotion. I remember it well.

 Is anxiety about changing our routine, or changing the predicable?  We automatically feel safe doing what our brains understand.  New babies thrive in a routine; feelings of security come with a routine.

I have also experienced anxiety commuting on the crowded Long Island Railroad.  I have had panic attacks on the train exactly twice.  I trained my brain to cope, I had no choice and I lived, I survived.  Those fears are now gone.  I have had similar feelings of feeling overwhelmed in crowds.  A more mild form of anxious nerves exists before I am about to do something new or when I change up my routine.  I have had bouts of social anxiety and when I leave my boys for more than two days straight.  I have extreme difficulty with public speaking and a fear of heights.  I only share these feelings to illustrated, beyond my calm demeanor, I am absolutely no stranger to many different types of anxiety.  

However, these feelings of internal turmoil do not rule over or prevent me from living my life. My determination to maintain control of my emotions and to fully understand the core of these feelings has forced me to manage them and live a functional, healthy, fulfilling life.  

I admit, if I could NOT manage these emotions, many of my choices in life would be very different.  I would not have been able to move around the country.  I would not have had a second child.  I would not have married a man with children.  I probably would not have gotten married.  I would probably be living on my own, in NYC working and hiding out in my safe little apartment.  Leaving occasionally to meet friends or maybe even to travel.  Assuming at this point, I didn’t develop a fear of germs or flying. Assuming I could have left my hometown or even worked in NYC communting on those scary trains. 

When one anxiety takes over your psyche, it invites many more to come and stay.  Anxieties grow in our mind, anxieties feed off of doubt, insecurities and irrational fears.  They multiply and breed.  They can be extremely intense and hurt our secure place in our mind, that place where we feel comfortable, loved and happy.

Anxiety can include all of the following:

Fear of trying something new – What if I can’t do it?

Fear of the unknown - Something bad could happen. 

Fear of being late – being stuck in traffic causes much anxiety (AKA – I will be late and something bad will happen)

Fear of Flying – What if the plane crashes, gets hijacked. (AKA – I’m going to die)

Fear of being sick – What if I have a terminal illness or die?

Fear of letting our kids do things – Fear they will be hurt or stolen or die.

Fear of a routine change – What if I forget something or something goes wrong? 

Fear of deadlines – what if I'm late or do not complete the task?  (AKA something bad will happen) 

Fear of going back to school or learning a new skill - What If I fail?

Fear of Job a interview – Fear of rejection

Fear of relationships/falling in love – fear of rejection – What if I’m unlovable? 

Fear of Marriage – What if I get divorced?  

Fear of having children – What if they hurt me or I fail as a parent.

Fear of learning/writing/speaking up/being wrong – I will fail.  I am a failure.

Fear of throwing something away -  what if I will need it someday.  

Anxieties are all about self-preservation.  For the sake of saving ourselves, we deny ourselves positive opportunities for change and growth. - LN

I have fought many of my irrational anxieties.  They come and go.  I do not listen when my brain gives me silly reasons why not to do something.   This is hard to do on occasion, but I stop and determine a realistic outcome and then I make a decision.  Am I having a rational fear or irrational fear?  The answer is always irrational, the initial outcome is so far-fetched, I dismiss it and think of something positive.  This is my key.

In addtion, I work hard to make sure my kids do not engage anxious emotions. I instinctively work to ensure anxieties do not exist in their little worlds.  I have noticed my 3 year old has minor fears, and I talk to him, and help him understand there is nothing to be afraid of.  He says, “I’m scared, Mommy” in his cute little voice. I always ask why and redirect to prevent him from reinforcing the fear.  He is young, and it is harmless, for now, but I will keep a close eye on him as he matures. 

I understand fear and face my fears, but I do not invite fear into my life. _LN

After I gave birth to my first child I had incredible insecurities of, “Oh my God, I am responsible for this little human being for the rest of my life.”  I was intensely fearful, up to that point in my life,  I only took care of myself.  I was 33 when my first son was born. 

  “I will never have my independence again.”  

The reality scared me, but I acknowledged it, and redirected my thoughts.  As time went on, I started sleeping more, I worked towards owning my new life, and the fear diminished and soon it totally vanished.  My first son and I, have now developed an incredible relationship and I could not imagine that new little person not being a part of my life.  Imagine, being scared of a new born?

By child number two, four years later, it was easy and perfect.  No irrational fears on how to handle two little boys – everything fell right into place.  Interesting how our minds work and grow. 

But what if......?  

I understand people who have anxieties about their children being safe, yet, I often force these fears aside to allow my boys to grow and learn from their own mistakes.  This is difficult, but the more I let each of them “go” at different stages of their lives, the easier it becomes.  

I often remind myself, teach them how to cope with life when I’m not there.  Teach them basic skills when they are young and more complex skills when they are older.  Teach them so they will teach those around them.  But most importantly,  teach by example.  I must be stronger, wiser, happier, and most confident for them.  They will one day teach their own children.  Life without anxiety is a legacy they will carry forward.  

I do not buy into,  "Our genes determine who we are."  We always have the power to pave a better path.  That power is infinite and with each step, we free our mind of unexplainable doubt, and it does  it get easier.  Easier to distinguish the patterns of fear, and easier to quiet the mind of irrational doubt.  It is an interesting phenomena, a twist in perspective.  And although, the questionable thoughts may always linger deep within, they will be softer and they will NOT rule the day to day, allowing for unconditional happiness and no stress triggers.

A Free Will = A Free Life = A Freed Spirit

One Life Day at A Time

Life is not always peaches and cream.  I know this, I own this.  Those who know me personally, understand, I am the first to admit parenting is hard work, a happy marriage is a conscious effort, and not every day is easy.  However, a fine balance of the good, peppered with the hard, gives life an illusion of being pleasurable more often than not. 

My purpose for this blog is to shine a spot light on my "Rose colored glasses" as my mother would call my idealistic view of the world, when I was a little girl.  And I now think, "Why is this a bad thing?" An Optimistic view is always better than one of Pessimism.

Optimism: The Optimum Time Is Now
Pessimism: Omission of Hope with Permission

Regardless of how we choose to face the world or how we choose to live and write our personal journeys, in a positive or negative light; I will not discredit that we all have a spectrum of emotions, including feelings of fear and sadness regarding our current state. 

Why is this? And how can it be changed?

When we are upset, angry, frustrated or have feelings of being helpless or hopeless, how do we transform these negative feelings into happiness, patience, and hopefulness?  How do we transform fear into confidence?

I personally idenfty my weakness in any given day, I own it and quickly forgive myself.  I take time to understand what went wrong to escalate a situation, and immediately release (with real-ease) in order to stay present in the now. 

I continue to learn and grow and I work hard to identify the root of any difficult emotion.  It could be stress,  anxiety, frustration, but occasionally, we all need a healthy outburst.  A good cry or yell to remind ourselves we are spirits living an imperfect human experience.  

We are all gifted with tools to make life easier, not harder; and with each life lesson we are capable of being better, good and happy all the time.  We have the ability to make choices, and we are all worthy of unconditional happiness.  This stems from forgiving ourselves of yesterday's mistakes.

I turned 40 recently, and I thought, what does this mean to me?  How does this contribute to my view of the world and my own life?  I feel truly empowered.  I have come so far from where I started, yet there is so much more to come.  I consciously made a choice to live the next 40 years on my terms, with a positive, healthy force around me. 

Do we all have struggles? YES!  But, isn't how we choose to cope and learn from these struggles what changes our perspective and mind about how to live a happy life? The happiest life, One Living Day at a Time!

We all have a choice.  How will you choose yours?

Life Extraordinary

Looking back on one year of life can be both captivating and daunting.

Is another year really over?  It flew by,  faster than I had expected.  I think life is better now.  Life is easier,  happier,  I am wiser, and in a better place.  Those are the thoughts I always hope and aim to have looking down the barrel of a new year. 

Goals and aspirations are set.  Some goals are grand, while others are easily achievable.

"How did I get here?"  I ponder to myself.  My life has had a myriad of life forks,  twists and turns some forseeable, while others jumped in front of my otherwise stable life.  Making good, sound decisions, in the wake of living, is all I can truly account for my current life as I sit here writing these words.

As I carefully wrap Christmas ornaments and place them away in their special space,  I know next year will be very different.  We will be different.  Our lives will have once again changed for the better.  Although,  I forsee myself living in the same home,  my family may not be home for the holidays.  Life around me will be different.  Vacations will have been taken.  School will have shifted grades,  people will come in and out of our lives.  Life will be somewhat the same,  yet somewhat changed.

 

If we are not constantly striving for positive change than what is the point of living a fullfilling life? -LN

This year,  I will be better.  Happier,  sweeter,  kinder,  more loving. 

This year I will teach and be taught.  I will work smarter, live with more confidence, be creative with laughter and a light heart.

Next year, at this time,  I will look back with satisfaction and look forward with hope. 

Life is most interesting when seen from multiple perspectives. -LN

Life Long Dreams

I awoke this morning with an overwhelming premonition.  It was about living in Costa Rica, one of my many dreams. 

This idea is one of those things that my husband and I toyed with after we vacationed in Costa Rica almost two years ago.  I am unsure the reasons why I awoke thinking about this, considering we haven't seriously put any plans into motion, but the concept still finds relevance in my psyche, therefore the dream has not faded away. 

I'm a firm believer that when a dream seed is planted it will continue to grow and be nourished with positive thoughts, a little at a time, and eventually we find ourselves living the dream as a reality. 

Many of my dreams, thoughts, wishes....have transformed into my reality.  I believe this is possible by following a simple recipe:  a sliver of faith, a glimmer of hope, a tad of motivation and a sprinkle of belief; cover it with your heart to keep the dream warm, and it will rise to the surface, when the timing is right. 

Never think "why?" Always think "why not?"

I am still practical by all means, but I constantly find myself making plans, on top of plans, on top of plans, all while nursing seeds for future lifestyle changes and with each success, those dreams grow larger and more vibrant.  

As I live my life in a current fabrication of a dream, I am fully aware that even the best dreams will come to an end, to leave room for new and different dreams.  Shouldn't this be what living life is all about?  And now I ponder, why not multiple dreams at a time? Is that greedy or silly to want so much in such a short lifetime?  

I don't really know what my future holds, but I am always open to the possibilities, I am open to those doors that may or may not open.  The older I get the more I come to realize that I have already lived a full life, but I have all these future lives to create, all the things I haven't had time to do yet.

Sometimes I wonder about my mom and if she felt she lived a fulfilling life and did everything she set out to do.  Did she have regrets in her last months, weeks, or days of her life?  Did she wish she had done more or was she content with her simplistic lifestyle?  

Experiencing the reality of death so close to home, naturally forced me to contemplate my own life.  Everyone is different and we all have personalities that drive us to do one thing or another.  My personality creates "the sky's the limit" perspective, that anything is possible, but I respect others are extremely happy with consistency and predictability of being content and stable. 

Some people are self proclaimed homebodies and love staying home with what is familiar. They have no desires to explore life any further than what they have already come to know.  I understand why people would prefer their safe haven.  I too appreciate my home. 

I personally had plenty of stability the first 20 years of my life, the second 20 years I would say were anything but stable, but they were dream fulfilling years.  The next twenty, I'm planning to evolve by fulfilling two and three dreams at a time, as to never feel I am running out of time, living my "life long dreams."

Dreams are like beauty, they are in the eye of the beholder.  My personal dreams include: (some are already fulfilled) traveling to many specific, exotic destinations, meeting the man of my dreams, becoming a mother, living in a beautiful home in an equally beautiful neighborhood, giving my children a decent, happy life, learning to love and care for myself, being a nicer person and a good friend, mother and wife.  Work in an ideal accoutant position with genuinely warm and  inspiring people. Temporally live in different parts of the world and expose my children to different cultures, travel the country in an RV, live minimalist, be self sufficient and live off the grid, kill and eat my own food, start a non-profit helping people, and travel to third world countries, help all those around me to fulfill their dreams by sharing whatever it takes to give them one or more ingredients to make it Happen.......why not?  Continue blogging, write a book, and find a following of like minded individuals.

I'm sure I left a few out, and many haven't been created yet, but the greatest thing about life long dreams is that they are always evolving, regenerating and forming a life I call my own. 

Living life freely

Reflection is such a beautiful thing.  We all take moments to reminisce about our past, who we use to be and wonder how time moves along, yet our own essence stays very much the same. 

The voice in our heads has always been with us, our earliest childhood memory proves this, it may change its tone as the years roll by, but it is still the same voice.  Our childhood thoughts are innocent, yet as I reflect back, I now understand something differently, intuitively I had always known what was best for myself.   I'm unsure why or how, but my mind, with less stress and worry gave me answers to all my questions effortlessly.  

As children we are free to be whoever we choose to be, it is our freeing, worry-less thoughts that keep us young and happy.

                   

These are my own thoughts.  My calm, peaceful thoughts as I wonder when do children transition to uptight, worried adults, forgetting to trust their instincts?  Is it when we have our own children redirecting our thoughts to their wants and needs?  We referee pointless disagreements, we are constant caregivers of mini messy people all while we juggle insane schedules; do these things cause us to forget?  When our parents begin to age and fall ill, and we can not recall when our parents reverted, forcing us to be their caregivers. Is this when something else clicks and we remember to keep it easy again, our minds revitalize, life truly is too short, and we are forced to reflect.  

I'm currently turning the last corner of my last year being Thirtysomething. I was a kid when there was a TV show called "Thirtysomething".   I never watched it because those people were "way too old!"  As I digress.....

I took my sons to the local flea market this weekend.  We ate soft served ice cream and New York sour pickles, because that's what I did when I was a kid.  I shared these memories with my oldest son.  He is at that age where he listens and asks questions and wants to know more.  I shared my memories with satisfaction and obligation.  I feed him as much information as he was ready to absorb, and wondered which parts he'd retain.  I often hope he will grow up to trust his own instincts, no worry, maintaining his confidence.  

James observes me and pays attention as my actions speak louder than my words.  I remind myself to respect the person he is without allowing him to disrespect my own boundaries.  It's a little mental dance we do and it works for us.  He is a lot like me, which allows me to understand where he is coming from.  When he has a meltdown, I know he is struggling to keep up inside, and when I acknowledge it and give him his time, he comes back to me happier.  

                               

It is such an interesting time in each of our lives, as we come into our own.  James Is growing up and maturing, reading and caring for those in his life. I am finally embracing my prime as a 40 year old woman. It means so many things to so many people. For myself I feel it is true freedom. 

Life feels easier, mainly due to that voice inside, it speaks loud and clear, without doubt.  Without any misunderstandings.  No ones truth can push me outside my comfort zone or maybe I simply care a little less what others think of me.  I listen and am open, but I respect we are all on very different journeys and we each learn our lessons at different times in our life. This is very clever and maybe a little idealistic, but this truth is far from profound.  It has been restated in many ways across many cultures.  I also believe, when we disagree with people on our paths, there is a power shift and a lesson to be learned simply to push us closer to ultimate emotional freedom.  

Today I told myself I would do things I don't normally do, I would think things I don't normally think, and care less about outcomes and more about the purposeful intent.  I took selfies without feeling silly, I wrote my first hashtag with intent, I began writing again, I gave my kids all of "me" in our time together.   I did not care when Ty had an ice cream disaster or when the boys fought over everything (life with a two year old is all about mini conflicts). I know the boys are learning to love one another unconditionally, something only parents do instantly when their children are born.  (Outside of our birth parents unconditional love is so much more difficult to achieve.  Yet it can be done.)  These thoughts help me manage the conflict and move closer to the good things. 

                     

I was patient and more connected with my boys and as my day unfolded it felt easy and natural.  I was reminded of my RV days, our simple life.  Life often comes full circle, over and over again.  I ate pickles at the flea market with my boys and in an instant I was that curious, little, overweight child wondering when my body would catch up to my over active, informative brain. That voice in my head answering questions effortlessly without a care in the world.  Today, I heard myself letting that little girl know she is doing exactly the right thing at the right time.  She is safe on her path to freedom.  If time travel exists, that little girl, (myself), experienced Déjà Vu in this moment, how ironic life can be. 

                    

Life Inside Those Homes

As I sit inside my home, in my living room, sliding glass doors open, I appreciate the cool breeze blowing from outside.  I can hear the cows from the farm residing behind our home.  Occasionally, we will see and hear them riding their horses.  Birds of all shapes and sizes come and go, calling the fish filled pond their home.  Our dog, like a lion, oversees his new kingdom for hours all day and into the night under the stars.  Our cat saunters in and out as he pleases, purring loudly, eyeing the large birds conspicuously.  

We live in the suburbs, yet our plot of land surprised us with its added perks of country life.  We are fortunate considering we had no idea our land would feel more like country living, complete with a white picket fence and sunsets each evening.  We have made a peaceful home-life with the benefits of civilization, adequate square footage, an outstanding school district, and life as we know it, has become stable and predictable. This is of course a good thing.

I made it a point this weekend to ride my bike throughout my neighborhood.  It’s called Watersedge because of all the lakes and ponds peppered in and around it.  Many homes are waterfront or have a view of a water landscape.  It's the American dream in a nut shell; everything a growing family could hope for, a retiree would work for, and its a young couple's dream come true.  It is here in Watersedge. 

I rode my bike with an intent. I rode with purpose.  Who were the people inside the line of homes I drive by every day?  Who are those people inside those homes?  I rode down streets with ridiculous made up names: Goosecross Court, Storybrook Lane, Duckhorn Court.  I rode and observed, absorbing each and every home.

There are the larger homes with beautiful Florida palm trees of all shapes and sizes in the gated community.  There are the smaller homes, reminiscent of landscaping I grew up with up north, brown leaves withered on the ground.  Each subsection of the neighborhood radiated differently, based on the age of the homes, the outside decor and the manicured plots. Each home told a story very different from the one next to it, the one down the block or the one in the next mini subdivision.  Each home unique in it's own way, however, eerily similar. 

The only piece of reality I could not comprehend was why, on this gorgeous day in March, I saw so few people outside?  The occasional jogger or person working in their garage, but no young people, no kids playing, no moms or dads, not one person outside their home.  It didn't matter what spectrum of the wealth scale homeowners were from, everyone was hungered down in the safety of their homes.  Many cars, but no people.  Is this truly the American dream?

Many of the homes, with their beautiful landscapes at the foot of their doors, only steps from a picturesque and safe neighborhood, to bike ride, walk or run.  They could visit the playground or sit outside; yet the streets were unusually quiet.  

There are no excuses, this day was not too hot, it was not too cold, yet I rode my bike in solitude. 

I took it all in, I enjoyed the exquisite views of my new life, the American dream as its being dreamed, wondering with earnest, what goes on inside those homes? 

Who have we Americans become?