Reflection is such a beautiful thing. We all take moments to reminisce about our past, who we use to be and wonder how time moves along, yet our own essence stays very much the same.
The voice in our heads has always been with us, our earliest childhood memory proves this, it may change its tone as the years roll by, but it is still the same voice. Our childhood thoughts are innocent, yet as I reflect back, I now understand something differently, intuitively I had always known what was best for myself. I'm unsure why or how, but my mind, with less stress and worry gave me answers to all my questions effortlessly.
As children we are free to be whoever we choose to be, it is our freeing, worry-less thoughts that keep us young and happy.
These are my own thoughts. My calm, peaceful thoughts as I wonder when do children transition to uptight, worried adults, forgetting to trust their instincts? Is it when we have our own children redirecting our thoughts to their wants and needs? We referee pointless disagreements, we are constant caregivers of mini messy people all while we juggle insane schedules; do these things cause us to forget? When our parents begin to age and fall ill, and we can not recall when our parents reverted, forcing us to be their caregivers. Is this when something else clicks and we remember to keep it easy again, our minds revitalize, life truly is too short, and we are forced to reflect.
I'm currently turning the last corner of my last year being Thirtysomething. I was a kid when there was a TV show called "Thirtysomething". I never watched it because those people were "way too old!" As I digress.....
I took my sons to the local flea market this weekend. We ate soft served ice cream and New York sour pickles, because that's what I did when I was a kid. I shared these memories with my oldest son. He is at that age where he listens and asks questions and wants to know more. I shared my memories with satisfaction and obligation. I feed him as much information as he was ready to absorb, and wondered which parts he'd retain. I often hope he will grow up to trust his own instincts, no worry, maintaining his confidence.
James observes me and pays attention as my actions speak louder than my words. I remind myself to respect the person he is without allowing him to disrespect my own boundaries. It's a little mental dance we do and it works for us. He is a lot like me, which allows me to understand where he is coming from. When he has a meltdown, I know he is struggling to keep up inside, and when I acknowledge it and give him his time, he comes back to me happier.
It is such an interesting time in each of our lives, as we come into our own. James Is growing up and maturing, reading and caring for those in his life. I am finally embracing my prime as a 40 year old woman. It means so many things to so many people. For myself I feel it is true freedom.
Life feels easier, mainly due to that voice inside, it speaks loud and clear, without doubt. Without any misunderstandings. No ones truth can push me outside my comfort zone or maybe I simply care a little less what others think of me. I listen and am open, but I respect we are all on very different journeys and we each learn our lessons at different times in our life. This is very clever and maybe a little idealistic, but this truth is far from profound. It has been restated in many ways across many cultures. I also believe, when we disagree with people on our paths, there is a power shift and a lesson to be learned simply to push us closer to ultimate emotional freedom.
Today I told myself I would do things I don't normally do, I would think things I don't normally think, and care less about outcomes and more about the purposeful intent. I took selfies without feeling silly, I wrote my first hashtag with intent, I began writing again, I gave my kids all of "me" in our time together. I did not care when Ty had an ice cream disaster or when the boys fought over everything (life with a two year old is all about mini conflicts). I know the boys are learning to love one another unconditionally, something only parents do instantly when their children are born. (Outside of our birth parents unconditional love is so much more difficult to achieve. Yet it can be done.) These thoughts help me manage the conflict and move closer to the good things.
I was patient and more connected with my boys and as my day unfolded it felt easy and natural. I was reminded of my RV days, our simple life. Life often comes full circle, over and over again. I ate pickles at the flea market with my boys and in an instant I was that curious, little, overweight child wondering when my body would catch up to my over active, informative brain. That voice in my head answering questions effortlessly without a care in the world. Today, I heard myself letting that little girl know she is doing exactly the right thing at the right time. She is safe on her path to freedom. If time travel exists, that little girl, (myself), experienced Déjà Vu in this moment, how ironic life can be.
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