With or Without Anxiety

Anxiety:  a feeling of worry, nervousness, or unease, typically about an imminent event or something with an uncertain outcome.

A pit in your stomach – your mind spinning with doubt – An unsafe sensation

I have been told that anxiety runs in my family, but I personally think everyone experiences anxiety in one form or another at different times in their lives.

I believe this because I have observed others and I see the knowing looks in people's eyes; they will nod in agreement, with utter understanding, as I share a story about an anxious moment.

I believe,  no one person is immune to the unpredictable, unexplained feelings of doubt, fear and uncertain intuition.

I can recall a time, as a little girl, when I was sick from school, for an entire week.  I had incredible anxiety about going back to school, so much anxiety that I begged and pleaded each day to stay home.  I ultimately did not go back to school for an entire second week.  My inner core could not imagine falling back into an unfamiliar routine.  I had these unshakable feelings of dread.  It was a horrible scared emotion. I remember it well.

 Is anxiety about changing our routine, or changing the predicable?  We automatically feel safe doing what our brains understand.  New babies thrive in a routine; feelings of security come with a routine.

I have also experienced anxiety commuting on the crowded Long Island Railroad.  I have had panic attacks on the train exactly twice.  I trained my brain to cope, I had no choice and I lived, I survived.  Those fears are now gone.  I have had similar feelings of feeling overwhelmed in crowds.  A more mild form of anxious nerves exists before I am about to do something new or when I change up my routine.  I have had bouts of social anxiety and when I leave my boys for more than two days straight.  I have extreme difficulty with public speaking and a fear of heights.  I only share these feelings to illustrated, beyond my calm demeanor, I am absolutely no stranger to many different types of anxiety.  

However, these feelings of internal turmoil do not rule over or prevent me from living my life. My determination to maintain control of my emotions and to fully understand the core of these feelings has forced me to manage them and live a functional, healthy, fulfilling life.  

I admit, if I could NOT manage these emotions, many of my choices in life would be very different.  I would not have been able to move around the country.  I would not have had a second child.  I would not have married a man with children.  I probably would not have gotten married.  I would probably be living on my own, in NYC working and hiding out in my safe little apartment.  Leaving occasionally to meet friends or maybe even to travel.  Assuming at this point, I didn’t develop a fear of germs or flying. Assuming I could have left my hometown or even worked in NYC communting on those scary trains. 

When one anxiety takes over your psyche, it invites many more to come and stay.  Anxieties grow in our mind, anxieties feed off of doubt, insecurities and irrational fears.  They multiply and breed.  They can be extremely intense and hurt our secure place in our mind, that place where we feel comfortable, loved and happy.

Anxiety can include all of the following:

Fear of trying something new – What if I can’t do it?

Fear of the unknown - Something bad could happen. 

Fear of being late – being stuck in traffic causes much anxiety (AKA – I will be late and something bad will happen)

Fear of Flying – What if the plane crashes, gets hijacked. (AKA – I’m going to die)

Fear of being sick – What if I have a terminal illness or die?

Fear of letting our kids do things – Fear they will be hurt or stolen or die.

Fear of a routine change – What if I forget something or something goes wrong? 

Fear of deadlines – what if I'm late or do not complete the task?  (AKA something bad will happen) 

Fear of going back to school or learning a new skill - What If I fail?

Fear of Job a interview – Fear of rejection

Fear of relationships/falling in love – fear of rejection – What if I’m unlovable? 

Fear of Marriage – What if I get divorced?  

Fear of having children – What if they hurt me or I fail as a parent.

Fear of learning/writing/speaking up/being wrong – I will fail.  I am a failure.

Fear of throwing something away -  what if I will need it someday.  

Anxieties are all about self-preservation.  For the sake of saving ourselves, we deny ourselves positive opportunities for change and growth. - LN

I have fought many of my irrational anxieties.  They come and go.  I do not listen when my brain gives me silly reasons why not to do something.   This is hard to do on occasion, but I stop and determine a realistic outcome and then I make a decision.  Am I having a rational fear or irrational fear?  The answer is always irrational, the initial outcome is so far-fetched, I dismiss it and think of something positive.  This is my key.

In addtion, I work hard to make sure my kids do not engage anxious emotions. I instinctively work to ensure anxieties do not exist in their little worlds.  I have noticed my 3 year old has minor fears, and I talk to him, and help him understand there is nothing to be afraid of.  He says, “I’m scared, Mommy” in his cute little voice. I always ask why and redirect to prevent him from reinforcing the fear.  He is young, and it is harmless, for now, but I will keep a close eye on him as he matures. 

I understand fear and face my fears, but I do not invite fear into my life. _LN

After I gave birth to my first child I had incredible insecurities of, “Oh my God, I am responsible for this little human being for the rest of my life.”  I was intensely fearful, up to that point in my life,  I only took care of myself.  I was 33 when my first son was born. 

  “I will never have my independence again.”  

The reality scared me, but I acknowledged it, and redirected my thoughts.  As time went on, I started sleeping more, I worked towards owning my new life, and the fear diminished and soon it totally vanished.  My first son and I, have now developed an incredible relationship and I could not imagine that new little person not being a part of my life.  Imagine, being scared of a new born?

By child number two, four years later, it was easy and perfect.  No irrational fears on how to handle two little boys – everything fell right into place.  Interesting how our minds work and grow. 

But what if......?  

I understand people who have anxieties about their children being safe, yet, I often force these fears aside to allow my boys to grow and learn from their own mistakes.  This is difficult, but the more I let each of them “go” at different stages of their lives, the easier it becomes.  

I often remind myself, teach them how to cope with life when I’m not there.  Teach them basic skills when they are young and more complex skills when they are older.  Teach them so they will teach those around them.  But most importantly,  teach by example.  I must be stronger, wiser, happier, and most confident for them.  They will one day teach their own children.  Life without anxiety is a legacy they will carry forward.  

I do not buy into,  "Our genes determine who we are."  We always have the power to pave a better path.  That power is infinite and with each step, we free our mind of unexplainable doubt, and it does  it get easier.  Easier to distinguish the patterns of fear, and easier to quiet the mind of irrational doubt.  It is an interesting phenomena, a twist in perspective.  And although, the questionable thoughts may always linger deep within, they will be softer and they will NOT rule the day to day, allowing for unconditional happiness and no stress triggers.

A Free Will = A Free Life = A Freed Spirit